A Sad Return

It is with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes that I am returning to the wonderful world of blogging. I don't even know why I picked tonight to start blogging again, but I received an email from a fellow-blogger, Ann "Ancient One's Place - so I thought that it was time for me to return. I have been away long enough.

The last time that I was here, I was ending chemo and I was Oh-So thankful for that and the way everyone spurred me to go on - even when I felt like giving up. Many things have happened in my life since I took that hiatus. My son got engaged right before Christmas and the wedding is coming up so fast - October 10, 2008. Lesley will make a wonderful wife to my son as well as a Dear Daughter-in-law. I was also happy that my son does not share his mother's fear of commitment.

I thought that 2008 would be a year for New Beginnings. I was so happy to see 2007 end as it was not a banner year for me. However, I did attain remission from NHL and I thought that I buried that box so deep, that I would never have to open it again.

In January, my mother was rushed to the hospital with pneumonia. In February, I had my three-month check up and everything was fine. In March, Mom went back to the hospital with Renal Failure. In April, she went back to the hospital again and this time they diagnosed her with lung cancer -- my heart sank. I spurred her along and told her that she would have to be a warrior because the wedding was coming up and I didn't want to sit in the front pew at the wedding by myself. In May, I went for my six-month check-up and remission continues. I have put this so far behind me, that I goes days and weeks without thinking about it. On June 24th, Mom went back to the hospital with pneumonia again and a Sepsis infection and she was admitted to ICU. I brought her home from the hospital on July 5th and she seemed to be doing rather well. She was spunky, cheerful and happy to be home.

On July 19th, my entire world changed -- My Mother passed away in her sleep. I know death is an inevitable part of life and the natural progression of life is to bury a parent. It closes the Circle of Life, but we are never really prepared for it to happen. It's one of those things that will happen someday, and we hope that someday never comes.

She passed from this life peacefully in her sleep with a smile on her face, in her own home without any monitors, IV tubes, or interference of medical science. It's the way that anyone would dream of going, but I wasn't ready to say good-bye to my mother. Deep down, I know that she is in a better place, forever young and hopefully, running free.

It seems hard to believe that it was only 5 days ago that we buried her. It seems like a lifetime ago. I have taken comfort in the heartfelt condolances and I hold onto my memories like a lifeline to help me get over the pain of losing her. Life as I knew it will never be the same again.

Last year, when I was battling my own demons, I vowed to end every phone call with "I Love You". I also take comfort in knowing that those were the last words I said to Mom before she died.

To fill the void, I hope to get back into quilting. My quilt shop offeres monthly demos the second Saturday of each month and I have attended a few this year with my quilt buddies, Susan and Deb. My DGD, Kylie, has also joined us and she has quite the eye for picking out fabric. The demos seem to really suck you in and I've performed a lot of "Retail Therapy", but not much else. I have worked on a few embroidery projects that I made into pillows -- you can never have enough pillows, in my humble opnion.

I also have another Yorkie, Toby. Toby was Mom's dog and he is now living with us. Bailey is now a big brother and he thinks that Toby is the itch you just can't scratch. I promise to have some pictures next time, too.

If you have made it this far into my blog posting, thank you for listening to me ramble on. I promise to have something for show-and-tell next time I'm here.