Just Rambling

I would like to thank everyone for all of their good wishes and comments that you have left on my blog. I am so touched that you would take a few minutes out of your busy lives to do this. My last few posts have not had any photos -- which make them kinda boring. Photos are what always draw me in to reading other's blogs - so don't tell me that it doesn't matter.

I'm doing OK. Chemo starts in a few days and I'm still uncertain about how I feel about this. After all these friggin' tests and doctors telling me how sick I am supposed to be - I'm trying hard not to give in to their "mind games". I still want to believe in Magic, Fairy Tale endings and MIRACLES! I actually had one doctor (whom I refer to as Dr. FAH - if you stop and think about it long enough, you will be able to figure out what F.A.H. stands for and if this offends anyone, I'm sorry; otherwise, you'll laugh your head off) ask me why I picked a disease that doctors like to treat. Needless to say, Dr. FAH and I butted heads right from the git-go. Thankfully, he was only a second opinion. I'm certain that his opinion of me was pretty similar to how I felt about him (he-he). My son went with me to this appointment and he could feel the tension in the room when he walked in. He knew his mother was in "smart ass" mode.

I've been having a lot of "Panic Attacks" at 4 in the morning, which is kind of funny, since I love the new Gwen Stefani song by the same title. (Stay up till Four In The Morning & the tears are pouring & I want to make it worth the fight.) See, I warned you that I'm rambling.

Last night, we had a thunderstorm and I actually sat on the front porch and watched the storm roll in -- I don't think that I ever took the time to do that before. It was awesome!

My Moon Flower is finally blooming. I started a whole package of seeds and only two seedlings emerged. I took this photo at dusk, but by later in the evening it was wide open. It was beautiful even though white flowers are not really a favorite of mine.

My Black-eyed Susan vine is starting to bloom, too! I had only planted these in this pot a few weeks ago and they looked so small. It looked like a pot with a trellis in it and now you can't even see the trellis.

Quilting has kind of taken a summer vacation. I did manage to sew the final border on this quilt that I started about 4 years ago. I don't know what I was waiting for. This was going to be a housewarming gift for my son when he moved into his house (4 years ago), but I like the quilt top so much, that I may just keep it for myself.

As you can see, I couldn't get a photo of it without my quilt model, Bailey. I think he likes it too. Now, will I get it basted and quilted any time soon? Who knows.....

My One Year Blog-iversary!!

I can't believe that I've been blogging for a whole year. I've been keeping a journal for a few years with my most private thoughts about things. I found that it helps to write about things, which "puts it out there". You can rant and rave, then, put down the pen and move on. But, "putting it out there" on the "Web" and moving on was kind of frightening. What I didn't realize was that someone would actually read anything that I wrote, share their own feeling with a comment and that I would become a part of this Blogging Community.

All Aboard - The Train is Moving

Well, I have finally left the Land of Denial, passed through Anger and Bargaining, but Acceptance is just around the bend and Hope seems a long way off in the distance before I finally arrive.

What the heck am I talking about? Have I gone mad? Let's back up a moment and I tell you my story.

A few months ago, I went to the doctor with an itchy knot on my ear. I assumed it was either a cyst, or a reaction to my gold earrings . I'm not much on going to the doctor, so when my doctor saw me sitting in his office without a red "Rudolph" nose and itchy watery eyes, he was confused as to why I was there. I left with a prescription for antibiotics and steroids and had to come back in a month. After a month, my ear wasn't itchy, but the knot was still there. He gave me another series of antibiotics and I went on my merry way. Another month went by and the knot was not getting any smaller, so he sent me to a Plastic Surgeon to have it removed.

I was a little embarrassed about going to a plastic surgeon (visions of Nip/Tuck dancing in my head), but my doctor assured me that it was for minimal scarring since it was so close to my face. I don't know that the surgeon really even looked at my ear, but he said I would need surgery.

The out-patient surgery went fine and I was up and dressed and ready to walk out of the surgi-center in record time. Whenever they remove something from you, they need to biopsy it. All that I cared about was that it didn't hurt. Remember how I said that I wasn't much on going to the doctor? Well, I like hospitals even less.

The day after surgery, the surgeon's office calls me to say that I need to have another surgery to remove my partoid gland and to plan to spend the night in the hospital. Huh? I was still pretty drug induced from the day before.

A week later, I went back to the surgeon to have my stitches removed and to discuss this other surgery. Imagine my shock to find out that the doctor was on vacation and that he telephoned me to tell me that the surgery was being cancelled because I have cancer. CANCER!?! I need to find a cancer doctor. Huh, what? Where? In the yellow pages?? You could have scraped me up off the floor. I experienced the first four steps of grief in those few minutes ...shock, emotional release, panic and hostility. I wanted to bitch-slap someone right through the telephone.

In this past month, I have seen more doctors, had more tests, and more vials of blood drawn than I have ever had in my entire life. Panic attacks seem to be a way of life. I've even perfected the "Deer caught in the headlights" look. Most of these tests were a real challenge of my claustrophobia. I think I languished in the land of denial for so long, because I feel fine and still do. Sure, I'm tired - but I'm up early, I work all day, come home and do the daily chores, and at this point in my life, I can take a nap if I so desire. I've weighed the same for the past 30 years - so no dramatic weight loss. Yes, I break out in a sweat - but, at 52, I called them "Hot Flashes" and all of my friends were having them too. I've asked myself over and over again "How Can This Be?" "Is this a cruel joke?" "Will I wake up from this nightmare?

My diagnosis is Non-Hodgkin's Follicular Lymphoma. My treatment is CHOP-R chemotherapy, which starts on August 1st. I feel like my world has crumbled. I'm someone that took an Advil or a Claritin on rare occasions. Now, I'm going to be pumped full of chemicals and have other chemicals to stave of the side-effects of the first chemicals. I'm terrified. I feel like I'm on a long, dark, lonely road all by myself.

I'm trying take a positive outlook, but it isn't easy - so I'm taking baby steps. I'm happy in the morning that I woke up. I've spent a lot of time sitting and enjoying my garden this summer rather than just working in it. I don't end a conversation with family or friends without telling them that I love them. I'm thankful that I have enough fabric to keep me busy for quite a while to take my mind off of this disease. I've prayed harder than I've ever prayed. And, I'm trying to keep my sense of humor, although my hematologist doesn't think I'm taking this disease seriously. I'm also thankful that I have medical insurance. My little buddy, Bailey, is turning into quite the lap dog.

If you've made it this far through this morbid posting, I do have something quilty to talk about.
I now have 7 of the 11 blocks embroidered on the "A Tisket - A Tasket" quilt and as soon as they are pressed and cut down, I'll sew the sashing strips on them. I'll post a photo of them once I have them pressed.

Happy Fourth of July

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all of your comments that you left on my "Land of Denial" posting. Each and everyone of them has really touched me and I am so glad that I belong to this "Blogging" community. Even though we do not know each other personally, we share a common bond with our love of quilting. I know that it is often said that Quilter's are the Greatest - I cannot agree more.

I am having good days and bad days and I am learning to cherish those good days. Absorbing myself in one of my projects has helped those bad days pass by rather quickly, too.

Well, I decided to invite my Mom over for dinner today, so I must go give the house a lick and a promise before she gets here.

Happy 4th of July!